Vitor Belfort Cleared to Fight Despite Performance Enhancing Prayers

After a tense weekend session, the Nevada State Athletic Commission reluctantly cleared Vitor Belfort to face middleweight champ Chris Weidman despite Belfort repeatedly testing positive for performance enhancing prayers. Belfort, who has attributed many of his wins to his mentor and third century carpenter Jesus Christ, has seemingly sprouted an ethereal pair of wings that glow with the grace and beauty of a thousand dawning suns. While it remains unclear as to whether these wings provide an advantage in combat, they do provide additional boons during training.

"The NSAC believes that certain types of prayer can be beneficial to an athlete's training, but it's important to regulate which types and what levels are permissable to maintaining a safe and competitive atmosphere. Thanking Jesus is one matter, invoking the divine power of angels is another." - NSAC Commissioner Warren Heading

The commission was split along ideological lines as to which types of prayer are acceptible. NSAC member Mary Hardigan voiced her concerns. "It's a fantastic idea as long as good, honest Christians are winning, but what happens..." she stalled, her voice dropping to a whisper, "if one of THEM wins," she finished, her eyes cutting somewhere towards the eastern horizon.

Belfort has been unstoppable outside of title fights for almost eight years. Belfort has taken his losses against Jones and Silva, studied the footage, and learned much from the ashes of defeat.

"He just wanted the Jesus's love more that night," Belfort reflected. "I wore mixed fabrics a week before going into the cage against Jones, a clear sin in the Bible. I won't make that mistake again."

Opponents of PEPs are not happy with the decision. Devout Satanist Tim Kennedy had this to say, "You can test me any day. I NEVER pray to Jesus. You can test any of those guys randomly and I bet 60% of the UFC prays. It's just not fair to those of us living clean."

Anonymous sources confirm this, adding that many do not even realize what they're doing. "These guys are at the gym, you know, some guys comes up with a Bible. Says take this. Read it before you come in every day. Next thing you know he's levitating, casting halos, chanting tongues, doing moves he could never do before. It's bad, but nobody talks about it."

The controversy will continue, but for now, Vitor Belfort, holy warrior, will carry on to fight another day.

0 Comments

  • No comments

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to leave comments.