UFC 2

UFC 2 took all of the craziness of the first one and added eight extra fighters. In UFC's first and only sixteen man tournament, each fighter had to go through four fights in a single night. Big John McCarthy made his first appearance here as referee and enforcer of the strict NO RULES policy.

Minoki Ichihara vs. Royce Gracie

Minoki Ichihara was considered a small figher with a big heart, but a heart is just another muscle for a Gracie to squeeze. Ichihara said he joined the tournament because Royce Gracie looked dangerous in the previous one, and he wanted to fight someone dangerous. After dealing with so many asinine winning lottery requests week in and week out, such a stupid, suicidal invitation to pain sounded like music to God of Wishes' weary ears. Before he could even tell his friends about it, karma had already scheduled a match between them in the first round.

Ichihara was a karate master of the no-bullshit Japanese variety. His intro video made it seem like he could topple opponents through the power of breathing exercises alone. He threw one punch and almost two kicks before being dragged to the ground and mounted. He tried his best to keep Gracie's body against his for the better part of five minutes. This gave the announcers little to discuss other than how awesome karate can be, but its main weakness is that you have to be standing up to use it. Gracie finally wiggled his way into position for a winning arm bar.

Patrick Smith vs. Scott Morris

Fighters in the early days of the UFC were often given fraudulent records to make the cards more commercially viable. Before tapping out to an ankle lock, Patrick Smith, "The Main Impervious to Pain", had 250 wins and 0 losses. He entered UFC 2 looking to avenge the only real loss on an otherwise imaginary record.

While introducing the matchups near the beginning of the broadcast commentator Ben Perry famously quotes regarding Scott Morris, "Scott Morris is the ninja. We don't know a whole lot on him because he is a ninja, so that speaks for itself." What spoke even louder about Morris was the fact that he was a doughy white Texan wearing black jogging pants and a black t-shirt that couldn't decide if it was sleeveless or not.

What followed is one of the more beautiful disasters in UFC history.

Scott Morris began the fight by charging directly forward at full speed while pawing desperately at the air in front of Patrick Smith's face. The two clinched and Morris defended by falling backwards and pulling Smith into a sitting position on his chest. As Smith pounded Morris's face into a twitchy mass of sinew and mustache, Morris tried to grab Smith's throat and raised his legs to the sky. It looked like a wild west sheriff giving birth to a giant brown caterpillar on his morning jog.

It's important to note at this point that a fight could only be stopped in one of three ways: knockout, submission, or corner stoppage via throwing in a white towel. Morris may be the worst idea for a ninja ever, but his clan still believed in death before dishonor. His corner stated before the fight that they would not throw in the towel no matter what, and no matter what happened to be a giant black man elbowing their sensei in and out of several bloody comas. Meanwhile Smith was exorcising himself of his personal demons by beating a cave system into an unconscious man's forehead. With no corner to stop the fight and Smith unable to tap out due to his brain leaking out of his eye socket, referee John McCarthy was only able to patiently wait for Smith's frenzied beast transformation to wear off. Once he returned to his human form and unmounted his prey, the fight was mercifully considered over by knockout.

Johnny Rhodes vs. Fred Ettish

Johnny Rhodes was a kickboxer with stand up decent enough to allow him to knock people down and cluelessly hover over them after the fact. His scheduled opponent was Dutch porn theater owner Frank Hamaker, but Hamaker was forced to withdraw. Fortunately, someone had the foresight to bring back-ups to an MMA tournament.

Enter Fred Ettish. Ettish was waiting backstage with a karate belt and a dream. Ettish was a fifth degree black belt in a style of karate nobody could pronounce. When the fight started, his style immediately revealed itself, and the implications were awesome - a womens self defense instructor was about to get his purse snatched in a real fight.

Ettish landed a few kicks beginning the fight that accomplished nothing. Ettish's strikes were softer than the 'R' in a Gracie's first name. When Rhodes connected with his first punch of the fight, Ettish immediately covered up and ran away. The next shot dropped Ettish. Ettish defended himself on the ground by inventing new variations of the fetal position on the fly while Rhodes circled and dived down to punch him some more. Ettish continued to flail until Rhodes lifted him by his head and smashed his knee into Ettish's tonsils. There isn't a rape whistle in the world that could have protected Ettish from the horrors unfolding. Rhodes finally managed to wrap an arm around Ettish's neck to make him tap. Ettish's final appearance in the UFC would be drunkenly shambling into the background of the frame of Rhodes's victory interview.

Remco Pardoel vs. Orlando Wiet

NO WEIGHT CLASSES was an important part of UFC's NO RULES system. Sometimes you got hilarious mismatches. One such was between 5'10", 170 lb. kickboxer Orlando Wiet and 6'4", 260 lb. jiu-jitsu powerhouse Remco Pardoel. Wiet hailed from a place called Nancy, France, and staying true to his heritage and every joke about the French since the Vikings, he opened the fight by immediately retreating.

The fight was ridiculous. The first several seconds looked like a Coca Cola bear stalking a Slim Jim. When Pardoel finally grabbed Wiet, Wiet pulled Pardoel on top of him and held Pardoel with his back against his chest. After a few minutes of squirming, Pardoel realized the lumpy mass of flesh he was using as an arm rest was actually a head. He began elbowing it into a bowl shape. He landed several strikes that caused Wiet's body to seizure with each blow. Pardoel finally stopped groping at his unconscious opponent and looked to the referee like a puppy seeking approval for the dead squirrel it dragged to your doormat.

As trainers removed Wiet's bloody mouthpiece, the announce team gleefully discussed how these guys use elbows to break ice, wood, and stone. Pardoel howled victoriously. Somewhere a mother cried.

Jason Delucia vs. Royce Gracie

Jason Delucia was Gracie's opponent in the quarter finals. Delucia was a practitioner of the Five Animals style of Kung-Fu. Delucia performed a leap at Gracie that was more frolic than attack and immediately fell into Gracie's guard. Gracie caught Delucia in a standing armbar and Delucia started tapping any surface that he thought might end his pain.

Patrick Smith vs. Johnny Rhodes

This was a fairly uninteresting fight punctuated by the UFC's first guillotine choke. Smith entered the tournament claiming to have a better grappling game, and he showcased it in this fight. More interesting was Smith's post-fight interview.

Smith boasted that all of his opponents were easy and that nobody had been able to take him down. The concept of hubris just shook its head and asked, "Again?" It grabbed the shotgun. It had a lesson to reteach.

Royce Gracie vs. Remco Pardoel

This fight pitted the Gracie style of jiu-jitsu against the vanilla counterpart. Gracie was able to get the larger opponent down by grabbing him around the waist and sitting as hard as he could. That's right. One of the secrets of Gracie jiu-jitsu is going limp, a technique honed by thousands of petulant five year olds.

Gracie quickly worked his way to Pardoel's back and held on for dear life as the giant tried to shake him. It was like watching a chimpanzee brutally tear apart a bag full of marshmallows and monkey pheromones. Gracie maintained this position long enough to teach Pardoel that only Gracies wear pajamas to a fight by choking the Dutchman out with his own gii.

Patrick Smith vs. Royce Gracie

Many of Gracie's early opponents attacked him by jumping directly into his open arms without any real plan or purpose. Smith was no exception. He regretfully dived into Gracie's arms as though they were a drunken marriage proposal.

Smith's corner didn't even give him the opportunity to lose properly. They threw in the towel as Gracie was landing his first set of ground blows. In a remarkably lackluster final, Gracie took home his second straight UFC championship.

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