The MMA Guide to Roid Rage

Sometimes performance enhancing drugs(PEDs) help people hit 700 home runs, and sometimes they push people to levels of superhuman anger. Like a serial killer with a sharp knife and a bag full of cats, MMA grants a roid raging fighter the perfect arena to just be himself. Enjoy five examples of fighters caught using PEDs and the insane acts performed under their effects.

Michael Bisping vs. Chris Leben

Leben v BispingA brawler is a type of fighter with lots of raw knockout power and little in the way of technical prowess. Chris Leben is a brawler with the kind of left hook that can kill a man's childhood dreams, and he fights like he's playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out with a broken Nintendo controller. When someone's mouth writes a check that their ass can't cash, Chris Leben's fist is sent in to serve the eviction notice to their teeth. Chris Leben's left hand took some time off from powering the Large Hadron Collider to face Michael "The Count" Bisping at UFC 89. Before and during the fight, Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg repeatedly fawned over Leben's newfound physique, discipline, and dedication to becoming a better mixed martial artist.

The Straight Dope

At UFC 132, Leben and Wanderlei Silva silently agreed that when the bell sounded, they would walk to the center of The Octagon and uppercut each other until one of them needed to invest in longer neckties. Leben won by decapitation because that's exactly the type of fight Leben wants. The longer you stand in front of him, the more likely you are to be clubbed and dragged back to his volcano cave. Michael Bisping wanted no part of Leben's savage romance and spent the majority of the fight dancing on the outside and scoring points with jabs. This only made Leben's boner angrier.

Bisping's jabs never did much damage, but they did manage to knock out the part of Chris Leben's brain that still wanted to win the fight. Near the end of the second round, Leben dropped his hands, extended his chin, and lurched towards a very confused Brit. Bisping just looked at Leben as though his jaw were a bear trap and continued to dance and jab his way around the berserking zombie. Leben also repeated this at the end of the third round. Leben's chin was controlling The Octagon by asserting that his chin had bigger balls than Bisping's scrotum, but that means nothing to judges that person is when heavily outstruck. After the fight, Leben tested positive for Stanozolol, a popular steroid also used in US horse racing. He lost the fight by decision, but nine months later Bisping gave birth to a Triple Crown winner.

Tim Sylvia vs. Life

Tim "The Maine-iac" Sylvia looks like God tried to mix a human with a circus bear and gave up halfway through because flooding the world seemed like a better use of divine time. Normally when a fighter punches you, it's because he wants to damage your body. Not Sylvia. He's just marking you with his scent so can later track and mate with you. Most of his early fights ended via clobberin' time, and he won the UFC Heavyweight Championship belt in his second fight in the company. Wesley Correira, Ricco Rodriguez, and Game McGee all lost by TKO, but...

The Straight Dope

After his fight with McGee he tested positive for Stanozolol. He was stripped of his title, fined, and suspended. Normally the story ends here, but Sylvia's career only got crazier. Sylvia faced Frank Mir at UFC 48 for the title he vacated. Mir is no stranger to bear wrestling, though, and Tim Sylvia has the ground skills of Winnie the Pooh in a honey-induced diabetic coma. Mir put Sylvia in an armbar early in the first, and Sylvia seemed perfectly fine with Mir ripping off one of his arms as long as he could still beat him with it later. Mir realized he wasn't tapping and applied more pressure. What followed is one of the most cringeworthy moments in the history of pain. When referee Herb Dean saw Sylvia's bone exploding out of his forearm, he deemed Sylvia unable to continue. Sylvia said fuck that - his arm wasn't breaking, it was just giving birth to another punch. He refused to believe the referee, trainers, and everyone else who told him his bone was broken, but he soon realized he should shut up and stick to hurting people when doctors showed him an x-ray of it.

Sylvia v Mir

Tim SylviaDuring his recovery, he appeared on the show Blind Date. Within the first two minutes of the segment, his date asked him if he was an "ultimate fighter" as if she weren't really sure if that's actually a thing you can be. He responded by showing her his rad surgical star and telling her about it. Things only went downhill from there. What made Blind Date special was the hilarious moments caused by sending two obviously mismatched people out together. This time the pairing was between a 260 pound man who rarely drank alcohol and 130 pounds of seasoned bar skank. Sylvia holds his liquor like an eight year old Iroquois girl, and by the end of the night he was sitting in a hot tub drunkenly blubbering a sad plea for sex.

Sylvia's other main achievement before getting fat and tapping out to life involved shitting himself in his first appearance on network tv. In the first round of his fight against Assuerio Silva, he lifted his opponent in the air and hugged him against the cage. Silva wrapped his legs around Sylvia's waist in a vain attempt to keep the beast off of him. While doing so, Sylvia's trunks began creeping down exposing a giant wet stain on his undies. In one day he went from "the Maine-iac" to "the Stain-iac", and he never looked back.

Thiago Silva Vs Brandon Vera

COME AT ME BROThiago Silva has the kind of history that you would expect to see in an inspirational made for tv movie. His father was often abusive and ridiculed Silva when Silva told him he wanted to be a fighter. At age 13 Silva ran away from home to live in the slums of Sao Paulo, Brazil. He hasn't spoken to his immediate family since. At age 18 he began training heavily. He gained a reputation for knocking out guys much heavier than he was, and as a reuslt was approached by local drug lords wanting him to teach their men in the awesome ways of violence. He eventually fought his way out of poverty and made it to the UFC. Sounds like the kind of up and comer you would cheer, right?

The Straight Dope

Wrong. Silva's still one of the meanest fighters alive. He is the only professional fighter that could list mugging as a discipline. His wife had to become a black belt in BJJ just to survive their wedding vows. Whenever he knocks someone out, he drags his thumb across because he's secretly signaling for someone who bet against him to be executed.

Whatever Brandon Vera's gameplan was to fight Silva at UFC 125, he never got to use it. Silva took him down in every round and pounded his head into the floor. It looked more like a gang of raccoons mauling a bag of trash than a fight. At the end of the first round, Silva got off of Vera and began applauding himself for the awesome things he was doing to his fellow man. In the third round, Silva took Vera's back and started playing him like some Rock Band drums. That's when Silva threw a hook that broke Vera's nose in a most spectacular fashion. Most of Vera's nose pointed towards magnetic north, and the rest looked like a silly straw. In just fifteen minutes, Silva redefined the artist part of mixed martial artist by beating Brandon Vera's face into a Picasso painting.

Silva v Vera

A few weeks later, someone explained to Silva that his post-fight urine test came back "not human" and that being human was very much a requirement of passing the test. Also, normal human urine samples don't eat through the sample container and disappear into a shrieking vapor cloud upon contact with the floor. Silva later admitted to altering his sample in an attempt to mask that he was using banned substances to rehabilitate an injury. The Nevada State Athletics Commission decided attempted manslaughter was a pretty flimsy excuse for use of an illegal substance, and he received a fine and suspension.

Josh Barnett vs. Affliction

Josh BarnettJosh "War Master" Barnett is already a giant bag of muscles without the use performance enhancers. His whole body resembles Popeye's forearm and is just as likely to explode at any given moment. He has 30 wins with 18 submissions, which is pretty impressive for a man built like a giant thumb. Grappling with Josh Barnett is like being bound and gagged in the trunk of a Transformers robot. All you can do is silently while away the time while waiting for your body to be pulled apart in ten different directions.

The Straight Dope

Barnett v Mighty Mo
It went something like this
Barnett holds the record for the most positive PED tests with three. The first positive was after a fight with Bobby Hoffman. At this point in time, drug testing was done as an informal survey to see how bad abuse was within the sport. Think of it as a report card that your parents didn't have to sign. The second was after a title fight against MMA legend Randy Couture. Barnett won by sitting on Couture's chest and beating him as though he thought quarters would eventually start falling out. He was stripped after testing positive for three anabolic steroids.

But it was his third test that managed to sink an entire promotion, Affliction. You probably know Affliction better as the company that designs those goofy t-shirts that look like Monster Manual pictures mixed with metal album covers, but they also held two fight cards. The company was poorly managed, planned, and promoted, and it was bleeding money. However, their third card was scheduled to break attendance records and potentially save the fledgeling promotion. The main event featured Josh Barnett vs. #1 ranked heavyweight and Soviet Super Soldier, Fedor Emilianenko. Fedor is the greatest fighter casual MMA fans have never heard of. The Tunguska Event was caused by him punching his way out of his mother's womb. At the time, Fedor was an amazing 30-1 and Barnett was 27-5. The fight was special because it featured two top world ranked contenders not employed by the UFC. The event sold out, but ten days before the fight, Barnett tested positive again. Without time to find a suitable replacement, the card was cancelled and Affliction's promotion sank. The only way the debacle could have been a bigger waste of money is if they brought in Eddie Murphy and set it in space.

Anderson Silva vs. Chael Sonnen

Silva v SonnenChael Sonnen is widely regarded as the greatest trash talker in MMA, which is a title that's about as meaningful as baseball's beardiest tobacco spitter. He typically says the kind of things that would make the internet blush, and in the months leading up to UFC 117, he made it a point to let anyone standing near him with anything that resembled a microphone know that he thought Middleweight Champion Anderson Silva was an overrated jerkoff. Even today, if he were to happen across a gloryhole, he would spend five minutes ranting about what a dick Anderson Silva is to a very confused set of genitalia. What made this fight special is that Sonnen's shit slinging echoed the sentiments of the many UFC fans that paid to see Silva's last few fights, most of which he won by flamenco.

The Straight Dope

The problem with fighting Anderson Silva is that he is the world's greatest counter striker and nobody dares try to stand with him. He moves like Nightcrawler on a meth bender, and he dodges punches the way basketball players dodge child support payments. He only wears yellow and black trunks because he's actually a swarm of angry bees. There are suicide prevention hotlines set up specifically for people who have considered punching Anderson Silva.

But Sonnen had a plan. Going into the fight, Sonnen promised, "I’m going to put him on his prissy little ass. You can guarantee that." And surprisingly enough, for 23 minutes, he did exactly that. By taking away Silva's teleport ability, Sonnen held the advantage. Coming into the fight, Silva had only been hit 200 times total in his last 11 fights. Sonnen took him down every round and landed almost 300 shots to Silva before being submitted by a triangle choke with only two minutes left in the fight. It's one of the greatest comebacks in the sport and the first time Silva had been at a major disadvantage since joining the UFC. Many speculated he would receive a rematch. Only one problem.

Silva v Sonnen

The post-fight urinalysis detected that Sonnen's testosterone levels were over four times that of mere mortal man's. Either Sonnen had been using performance enhancing drugs or minotaur blood as an energy drink. Sonnen claimed that he suffers from hypogonadism and it was just his medicine. Sonnen claimed,"Testosterone falls under the category of steroids. But that’s like saying that mouthwash falls in the category of alcohol. Or cough syrup is alcohol. It’s not exactly the same thing and it’s not what we’e talking about," as though being four times over the normal cough syrup threshold is a positive experience.

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