The MMA Guide to Road Rage

They say you can tell a lot about a man by the way he fucks and fights. Driving incorporates the savage brutality of both. An MMA fighter spends years honing combinations of strikes, throws, and submissions to leave as much human wreckage scattered across the road of life as possible. By comparison, you are given exactly one pamphlet and one year of practice to learn how to do the exact opposite in a car. Because the average American motorist is most likely to understand driving in terms of violent behavior, here is a list of archetypes best avoided on the highway as presented through their most representative of fighters.

Keith "No Headlights" Jardine

Joe Rogan used to call Keith "Glass Jar"dine's fighting style unorthodox, which is a really unorthodox way to say he doesn't give a fuck about protecting his face, the most easily destructible part of the human physique. As a result, Keith Jardine has been knocked out so many times that he now collapses under the weight of a heavy decision. If Keith Jardine's teeth were children, he would send each one to a registered sex offender prepackaged with Elmo-flavored condoms. When Jardine got knocked out by Ryan Bader, he didn't wake up until he was in another fighting organization. Fortunately, Jardine has no problems sleeping in strange new places, and in his next fight he immediately folded like a towel...

Holding a two of clubs and a seven of hearts...

In a Kia being hit by a a mack truck.

Detection: A Jardine on the highway applies a similar lights out philosophy to life and plunges wide-eyed into the darkness of any storm. A Jardine's headlights are so black and broken they should be called Precious. A Jardine has spent his entire life getting yelled at by people trying to coach him in proper technique. A Jardine's sloth and apathy are the cause of his problems and ultimate instrument of his undoing. Your anger, horn, and headkicks are better saved for more worthy opponents.

Evan "The Drifter" Tanner

Evan Tanner was a philosopher and a fighter, a philosofighter if you will. In 2005 he won the UFC middleweight belt before immediately dropping it to Rich Franklin, a former math teacher. Franklin still competes heavily whereas Tanner wandered off into the desert and died, proving that even in MMA a degree in the sciences still pays off more than a liberal arts diploma centered around four years of finding yourself to your parents money.

When fighters grow hobo beards, it's usually the chin's way of growing a natural form of fist retardant. Tanner is the only fighter to match his with the glazed over look of hopelessness normally found underneath bridges and reflected in Danny Bonaduce's bathroom mirror. Kendall Grove faced Tanner in Tanner's final fight, and Grove was faced with the immeasurable task of breaking a man with nothing left to lose. The pre-fight staredown is an important part of this process as each fighter attempts to instill a sense of fear in the other to assert psychological dominance. Unfortunately, fear is a language Evan Tanner did not speak, and Grove was forced to spend fifteen minutes kneeing and elbowing an unkillable zombie that seemed programmed only to love.

Detection: Sometimes people daydream while driving, but we don't call these people philosodrivers. We call them dumbass idiots that need to pay attention to the road. We get it, people. You're just sort of drifting from place to place with no real destination in mind. The way you aimlessly meander from lane to lane without concern or signal is a metaphor for your incredibly pointless life, but until we can create a figure of speech that can shield us from your literal absent mind, keep your champagne wishes and caviar dreams confined to the Natural Light and fish sticks you consume while weeping daily.

Josh "The Blanket" Koscheck

Dealing with a Koscheck is a frustrating experience. On the one hand, if you punch him, he uses his black belt in drama to feign an eye poke. If you don't, he takes you down and spends the rest of the fight calling you a faggot in between nibbles of your ear lobe. As an accomplished wrestler, Koscheck has a record of 5 wins, 3 losses, and 1 no contest with his sexual identity. Most people who lose to Koscheck come out of the octagon with only hurt feelings and a rainbow stain across their stomachs caused by fifteen minutes of being hugged by MMA's equivalent of a Care Bear in heat. We call this a blanket match, because it's literally as interesting as watching someone fight off a bad dream.

Detection: If you have ever found yourself helplessly smothered by a car in a passing lane going the exact same speed alongside a car in the slow lane, that's the Koscheck experience. A Koscheck prisses around with an unwarranted sense of bad ass, so win or lose, you're still the bitch. You can't even properly mock him - modern cooking has yet to find a way to roast vinegar. Much like a gatekeeper to the top five of the welterweight division, this type of driver has appointed himself nanny of the highway and has decided to enforce its safety by being as infuriating of an obstacle as possible. Watch out for Educator license plates. The highway is the only place left for teachers to make other people obey the rules, and they do so with two tons of asshole and steel.

Lyoto "The Dragon Decal" Machida

Karate is the number one discipline name-dropped to instill a sense of doubt in opponents during barroom altercations. Give a drunken antagonist enough alcohol and, though he may not remember this morning's psychology lecture, every karate lesson from childhood comes rushing back to him. We're all the Bruce Lee of our own imagination, but Lyoto Machida is the Bruce Lee of Bruce Lee's imagination, and unlike the guy at the bar, Machida didn't stop practicing fifteen years ago.

Machida began training at the age of three and threw his first Hadoken before his unibrow had fully closed, sealing off his magic forever. His karate mastery has made him one of the quickest and least hit fighters currently competing. Machida eludes strikes the way the concept of turn signals eludes the blacks. But like most things forged by Japanese engineering, one strike is enough to crumple him and the four midget pilots inside of him controlling his arms and legs.

Detection: By the time you realize a Machida is approaching, he has already zipped around you, cut off the two vehicles ahead of you, taken a left turn, and defeated Frieza. The Machida is the easiest driver to spot. He's the only one with neon lights, decals from bumper to bumper, and a fog machine. The Machida is a Scooby Doo villain on four wheels. The Machida will take a crappy $3,000 car, add $10,000 of special wizardry, and turn it into a crappy $3,000 car. If you've ever wondered why people don't make pinball machines anymore, it's because they were all broken down and turned into Honda Civics.

Brock "RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH" Lesnar

Including former heavyweight champ Brock Lesnar in this guide only seems appropriate since he's registered with the DMV as a six passenger sports utility vehicle. When he farts, he violates eleven federal emission standards. Brock Lesnar is the only fighter that wears his sponsor's bumper stickers to a fight. To put it another way, Brock Lesnar is 265 lbs of truck balls and unmedicated rage issues, and he has no problem with smashing headfirst into anyone who gets in front of him. Brock Lesnar only has seven MMA fights to his name, but his face has already endured more fist-related punishment than Andy Dick's prostate.

Detection: A Brock Lesnar charges across as many lanes as he pleases, and if you don't like it, be less Japanese. Look for trucks with sturdy frames dented from various fender benders with other vehicles or the heads of wives who never learned to listen. Other warning signs may include trucks with more than four tires and fewer than one trailer, or decals of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes gleefully peeing on the truck manufacturer's leading competitor's logo. At the very least look out for...wait...OH GOD HE'S CHARGING! SWERVE SWERVE SWERVE!

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