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The Five Stages of Cain Velasquez

<p>Keeping track of the many versions of Cain Velasquez is a daunting task. &nbsp;We didn&#39;t even know there was a Sea Level Cain until he got murdered at high altitude. &nbsp;Now the former champ has revealed that during his latest training camp, he&#39;s been using CBD oil to deal with pain. &nbsp;UFC 207 will mark the debut of Medical Marijuana Cain, and we&#39;re eager to see how he stacks up. &nbsp;To help prep you for the coming fight, we&#39;ve arranged the following handy guide to the five known stages of Cain Velasquez. &nbsp;The goal for any Cain Velasquez is to be as close to Sea Level Cain as possible. &nbsp;The further away from the center we go, the less likely Cain is to perform at peak levels. &nbsp;Use this chart to help figure out where on the scale current Cain lies and remember to mark your progress.</p> <h2><img alt="Actual Corpse Cain" class="img-responsive" src="http://roughcopy.com/images/articles/corpse-cain.jpg" /></h2> <p>&quot;Actual Corpse&quot; Cain Velasquez is the lifeless cadaver of a former UFC and NJCAA wrestling champion. &nbsp;It has no special talents. &nbsp;After all, it is just a decaying slab of meat wrapped around a giant calcium frame. &nbsp;He will not become a zombie - at best we may be able to harness his burning soul to hatch some dragon eggs. &nbsp;The number ten ranked &quot;Actual Corpse&quot; Cain is still a threat in this volatile division and could be the heavy favorite in round twelve against Junior dos Santos.</p> <h2><img alt="Medical Marijuana Cain" class="img-responsive" src="http://roughcopy.com/images/articles/marijuana-cain.jpg" /></h2> <p>We may never fully understand the effects of &quot;Medical Marijuana&quot; Cain Velasquez because of a DEA Schedule I ban on testing. &nbsp;Just another unfortunate casualty in the failed war on drugs. &nbsp;What we do know about &quot;Medical Marijuana&quot; Cain is based on limited study in the southwest desert.</p> <p>Rumor has it that the heavyweight is considering growing a ponytail and giving up fighting to go see some Widespread this summer, maaaan. &nbsp;A fight with &quot;Medical Marijuana&quot; Cain is a 25 minute Reiki session in which you have your chakras realigned by a heaving mountain of muscle that stinks of patchouli. &nbsp;If he returns from his summer of love with most of his faculties intact, he&#39;ll likely carry a vape pen and focus on making furniture out of reclaimed driftwood.</p> <h2><img alt="Sea Level Cain" class="img-responsive" src="http://roughcopy.com/images/articles/sea-level-cain.jpg" /></h2> <p>Sea Level Cain is the gold standard of Cain Velasquez. &nbsp;Not to be confused with &quot;Motivated&quot; BJ Penn, Sea Level Cain is a state of being, not a state of mind. &nbsp;Cain Velasquez operates at optimum performance at 72 degrees indoors, 78 outside, with a low humidity point and a gentle Northeastern breeze. &nbsp;Also known as the Goldilocks Velasquez, this version of Cain can neither be too low nor too high (see Medical Marijuana Cain and Cocaine Velasquez). &nbsp;If you take proper care of your Sea Level Cain, he will last a long time. &nbsp;Sea Level Cain is a true barbarian of the sport and once slaughtered his way up the heavyweight roster to become king. &nbsp;Do not look directly into Sea Level Cain. &nbsp;Do not steal Sea Level Cain&#39;s parking space. &nbsp;Sea Level Cain is not dishwasher safe.</p> <h2><img alt="Cocaine Velasquez" class="img-responsive" src="http://roughcopy.com/images/articles/cocaine.jpg" /></h2> <p>First of all, cocaine. &nbsp;It&#39;s fucking illegal, dummy. &nbsp;Cocaine Velasquez enters the Octagon hopped up on the finest Columbian bam bam that you can purchase in a DC Congressional bathroom stall. &nbsp;Khabib wrestles bears? &nbsp;Weak. &nbsp;Cocaine Velasquez spars with chupacabras. &nbsp;Cocaine Velasquez owns every Tears for Fears album on vinyl and was once banned from the Shriners&#39; Annual Haunted Charity Funhouse because he kept yelling about going Arlovski hunting and terrifying children. &nbsp;He has the strength of ten men and a wife that wouldn&#39;t understand his lifestyle.</p> <p>Let&#39;s hope Reebok has a line of Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts.</p> <h2><img alt="Radioactive Supermutant Cain" class="img-responsive" src="http://roughcopy.com/images/articles/mutant-cain.jpg" /></h2> <p>Hailing from the nuclear ruins of San Jose&#39;s American Kickboxing Academy, &quot;Radioactive Supermutant&quot; Cain is the most unstoppable of all supernatural forces.&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Alongside fellow teammates the Duffeeborg and the two-headed fusion of Josh Thomson and Luke Rockhold, Lush Rockson, &quot;Radioactive Supermutant&quot; Cain Velasquez combs the wasteland searching for battle and the final remnants of increasingly scarce food in a dying world.</p> <p>This variation of Cain is a raging monster that triples in strength whenever someone on the internet makes a comment asking if his tattoos are racist. &nbsp;Radioactive Supermutant Cain no longer has need for human language. &nbsp;He only speaks destruction and sits upon a throne of chaos. &nbsp;The chaos is mostly held together by the skulls of the vanquished. &nbsp;He was scheduled to fight at the Terrordome on the winter solstace but withdrew due to injury.</p> <p>And there you have it. &nbsp;That&#39;s the guide to Cain Velasquez. &nbsp;We hope this has been educational, and remember, if you ever find yourself involved in a Cain Velasquez attack, just soil yourself and play dead.</p>

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The Five Stages of Cain Velasquez - MMA Articles - Rough Copy