The Five Stages of Cain Velasquez

Keeping track of the many versions of Cain Velasquez is a daunting task.  We didn't even know there was a Sea Level Cain until he got murdered at high altitude.  Now the former champ has revealed that during his latest training camp, he's been using CBD oil to deal with pain.  UFC 207 will mark the debut of Medical Marijuana Cain, and we're eager to see how he stacks up.  To help prep you for the coming fight, we've arranged the following handy guide to the five known stages of Cain Velasquez.  The goal for any Cain Velasquez is to be as close to Sea Level Cain as possible.  The further away from the center we go, the less likely Cain is to perform at peak levels.  Use this chart to help figure out where on the scale current Cain lies and remember to mark your progress.

Actual Corpse Cain

"Actual Corpse" Cain Velasquez is the lifeless cadaver of a former UFC and NJCAA wrestling champion.  It has no special talents.  After all, it is just a decaying slab of meat wrapped around a giant calcium frame.  He will not become a zombie - at best we may be able to harness his burning soul to hatch some dragon eggs.  The number ten ranked "Actual Corpse" Cain is still a threat in this volatile division and could be the heavy favorite in round twelve against Junior dos Santos.

Medical Marijuana Cain

We may never fully understand the effects of "Medical Marijuana" Cain Velasquez because of a DEA Schedule I ban on testing.  Just another unfortunate casualty in the failed war on drugs.  What we do know about "Medical Marijuana" Cain is based on limited study in the southwest desert.

Rumor has it that the heavyweight is considering growing a ponytail and giving up fighting to go see some Widespread this summer, maaaan.  A fight with "Medical Marijuana" Cain is a 25 minute Reiki session in which you have your chakras realigned by a heaving mountain of muscle that stinks of patchouli.  If he returns from his summer of love with most of his faculties intact, he'll likely carry a vape pen and focus on making furniture out of reclaimed driftwood.

Sea Level Cain

Sea Level Cain is the gold standard of Cain Velasquez.  Not to be confused with "Motivated" BJ Penn, Sea Level Cain is a state of being, not a state of mind.  Cain Velasquez operates at optimum performance at 72 degrees indoors, 78 outside, with a low humidity point and a gentle Northeastern breeze.  Also known as the Goldilocks Velasquez, this version of Cain can neither be too low nor too high (see Medical Marijuana Cain and Cocaine Velasquez).  If you take proper care of your Sea Level Cain, he will last a long time.  Sea Level Cain is a true barbarian of the sport and once slaughtered his way up the heavyweight roster to become king.  Do not look directly into Sea Level Cain.  Do not steal Sea Level Cain's parking space.  Sea Level Cain is not dishwasher safe.

Cocaine Velasquez

First of all, cocaine.  It's fucking illegal, dummy.  Cocaine Velasquez enters the Octagon hopped up on the finest Columbian bam bam that you can purchase in a DC Congressional bathroom stall.  Khabib wrestles bears?  Weak.  Cocaine Velasquez spars with chupacabras.  Cocaine Velasquez owns every Tears for Fears album on vinyl and was once banned from the Shriners' Annual Haunted Charity Funhouse because he kept yelling about going Arlovski hunting and terrifying children.  He has the strength of ten men and a wife that wouldn't understand his lifestyle.

Let's hope Reebok has a line of Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts.

Radioactive Supermutant Cain

Hailing from the nuclear ruins of San Jose's American Kickboxing Academy, "Radioactive Supermutant" Cain is the most unstoppable of all supernatural forces.    Alongside fellow teammates the Duffeeborg and the two-headed fusion of Josh Thomson and Luke Rockhold, Lush Rockson, "Radioactive Supermutant" Cain Velasquez combs the wasteland searching for battle and the final remnants of increasingly scarce food in a dying world.

This variation of Cain is a raging monster that triples in strength whenever someone on the internet makes a comment asking if his tattoos are racist.  Radioactive Supermutant Cain no longer has need for human language.  He only speaks destruction and sits upon a throne of chaos.  The chaos is mostly held together by the skulls of the vanquished.  He was scheduled to fight at the Terrordome on the winter solstace but withdrew due to injury.

And there you have it.  That's the guide to Cain Velasquez.  We hope this has been educational, and remember, if you ever find yourself involved in a Cain Velasquez attack, just soil yourself and play dead.


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