Dan Henderson vs Michael Bisping
By season 9 of The Ultimate Fighter, the UFC had long given up on a formula of producing champions in favor of one featuring muscle-y attention whores smashing cheap furniture while a douchebag coach and a nice guy coach bicker over gym times and play table tennis for charity. At the end of each season the two coaches usually face each other, so the show is as much about promoting their fight as anything. Season 9 featured the unique twist of pitting American fighters coached by real life Captain America Dan Henderson against British fighters coached by Michael "The Count" Bisping. An entire nation's balls rested in the cup of each fighter. The stakes: the other nation's chin.
Many of the British fighters were part of the same team and displayed rare solidarity. The American forces were more a drunken assortment of half commitments with little in common. Team USA's Robert Browning introduced the world to how American bros share houses by throwing eggs at people and peeing in everyone else's showers. He was KO'ed in the first round of his first fight. This happened. It only went downhill from there.
By episode 10 Jason Pierce, aka Benedict Dickface, was suspected of providing the British with sensitive American training strategies. America was beaten and disgraced at every turn, and the worst part of it all was that a snotty European was there to rub our noses in it every step of the way. By the end of the season Demarques Johnson remained the sole American among the four finalists. He too fell, and with him two more contracts were outsourced to foreign labor.
With American forces scattered and defeated, Pride legend and Team USA's coach Dan Henderson became our last hope against the European oppressors. When he stepped into the Octagon that fateful 4th of July weekend in 2009, he carried the hopes and dreams of hundreds of thousands of barbeques on his burly shoulders. Weiners that aren't plumped with liberty aren't even worth eating, and many meals awaited the outcome of this brawl.
Hendo stepped into the ring clad in the god bless the USA red, white, and blue of American corporate endorsements while Bisping wore the traditional black and white of Nazi stormtroopers. Hendo spent the majority of the first and second rounds with his right hand set to kill. One of Bisping's many claims going into the fight was that Henderson had not knocked anyone out in years. Coincidentally, Michael Bisping's main punch is the fall back jab, a move that's slightly more punishing than a fist blowing its horn at a face in heavy traffic.
Finally Dan Henderson took a full step forward and threw his right hand at Bisping like his jaw was trying to steal second base. Hendo dropped Bisping with a right bigger than John Hancock's signature and Michael Bisping's brain declared itself independent of human consciousness. The unconscious Brit will only relive the following through replay footage. Hendo leapt majestically skyward, went full horizontal, and dropped an elbow that would have made Randy Savage proud. With just two punches Dan Henderson turned Michael Bisping into 185 lbs of quivering liver pudding. His knockout was so severe that it would later inspire a Hendo approved exercise move you can at home with some expensive leather straps.
God fucking bless America.
Tito Ortiz vs. Ken Shamrock I
Ken Shamrock and Tito Ortiz had one of the first big rivalries in the UFC. Ken Shamrock was the first fighter to discover that you could neutralize Royce Gracie's jiu jitsu by locking nipples together, and over the years Ortiz proved that earning a title shot is as much about talking shit as it is beating top contenders. At UFC 19 Tito Ortiz avenged his only loss at that point against Guy Mezger by holding Mezger down and lazily clobbering his upper back. When the referee declared Mezger unconscious, Mezger immediately complained that he was just starting to get into it a little. Ortiz celebrated his victory with class by flipping off Mezger's entire corner, the Lion's Den, and then he pantomimed a cowboy shootout with his fingers. Afterwards he put on a shirt saying "GAY Mezger is my bitch!" He had previously beaten Lion's Den member Jerry Bohlander before putting on a shit claiming "I just fucked your ass!"
At the time Ken Shamrock was head of the Lion's Den, and he was tired of Tito Ortiz expressing his sexual confusion through a crazy mix of wrestling and cotton all over his top fighters. He jumped on top of the cage and began screaming and telling Tito to show some respect. The beef escalated quicker than the cow who jumped over the moon and almost resulted in a locker room brawl. Unfortunately there was at least sixty pounds of difference between the two, and at the time Shamrock was under contract with the WWE. The two would spend years hating each other but unable to settle their dispute within an arranged, contractual engagement for mutual financial gain.
By UFC 40 Tito was Light Heavyweight Champion and Shamrock was cutting enough muscle to make a fight at 205 lbs possible. The shit was on. Before every card the UFC holds a press conference. The press conference is usually a way to get two fighters in the same room to passive aggressively talk shit about each other through the clever guise of media questioning. But sometimes a press conference goes wrong, and the fighters instead active aggressively talk shit about each other. Ken Shamrock spent three years in the WWE honing his acting chops as "The World's Most Dangerous Man", a character built like a dehydrated Clydesdale who occasionally snapped and had random fits of violent rage.
At the press conference, this make believe persona combined with real life anger to deliver one of the craziest speeches ever uttered. Shamrock was so serious that most of his hair was afraid to show up, and the rest of it stood straight up like the back of a terrified cat. He stepped up to the microphone, gave Ortiz a deadpan stare, and told him,
Ortiz took a few moments to absorb and reflect upon the depth of Shamrock's threat. How does one beat a man into a state that is both living and dead? Did Ken Shamrock REALLY possess the legendary Schrodinger knuckles? It was probably the most serious thing anyone ever said to him, and it was hilarious. Ortiz fell back in his chair laughing. Shamrock decided to flip kick a chair six feet vertically to illustrate just how little he was fucking around. Also blarg. And snarl.
Shamrock's corner threw in the towel after the third round.
Rashad Evans vs Jon Jones
Every worthwhile feud in the UFC has a dramatic backstory. "Sugar" Rashad Evans was set for a title shot against Mauricio "Shogun" Rua before suffering an injury that took him out of fighting for a year. During this time fellow teammate Jonny "Bones" Jones utterly destroyed everyone placed in front of him, became a top contender, and eventually defeated Shogun to win the title.
The marketing spiders immediately began weaving a tragic tale of friendship and deception deep within the hollowed husk of integrity's corpse. What amounted to several training sessions together suddenly became a tale of master vs. pupil. Suddenly Evans was telling everyone that he unraveled the puzzle box that was Jon Jones and cited several instances of making Jones tap during training.
One night Rashad was watching television and saw an interview in which Jones said he would fight Rashad if Dana White, their boss, asked them to fight. Asking them to fight may seem like a legitimate function for the owner of an ultimate fighting organization to perform, but Evans saw it as a violation of their ancient blood pact to never fight.
When pressed further, Evans continued to add that he also thought Jones had an ego, a funny thing coming from a guy who famously told a karate master to suck his dick before obtaining multiple concussions on his way to the floor. After years of being an antagonist, Rashad Evans was attempting to take the moral high ground on issues that weren't worth arguing about to sell a fight everyone wanted to see anyway. Evans turned a legitimate fight into a girls locker room argument over broken besties. In an interview featuring both men, Jones responded to Evans's many taunts by telling Evans that he was just another obstacle to overcome in the realization of all of the goals on his spirit board. Instead of asking him what a spirit board even is or why a grown man was talking about prayer to ancient warrior spirits in an interview, the show allowed the two to continue to bicker like an old married couple. This set the tone for one of the highest grossing UFC's ever.
DOUBLE PSYCHE OUT!
The fight was everything you would expect from two drunk guys screaming "LET'S GO MOTHERFUCKER" back and forth across a Denny's parking lot for 15 minutes at 4 in the morning. The two spent 25 minutes doing circle circle but barely threw enough dot dots to vaccinate a classroom full of first graders against cooties. After the fight both fighters admitted to being hesitant to attack. They spent months arguing over how they hated each other and spent the entire fight trying to defeat the other through a show of mutual respect and elbows. Because each fighter spent so much time convincing the other that he knew all of his opponent's weaknesses, each fighter was reluctant to actually commit to any kind of gameplan. Imagine America winning independence from the British simply because nobody could ever agree upon a way to do battle.
Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva
When we last saw Chael Sonnen, he went four rounds with Anderson Silva before being submitted by the sweetest head triangle ever. Sonnen's testosterone levels after the fight suggested that Silva head triangled four Chael Sonnens. As far as Sonnen was concerned though, Anderson Silva defeated zero Chael Sonnens. He began demanding a rematch almost immediately but was suspended for a year to go through a strenuous deHulking process. During this time he ran for Congress as a Republican, sold real estate, and plead guilty to a money laundering charge.
In the three years between matches, Sonnen took disrespecting someone to desperate new levels. He talked about Silva's homeland, he threatened spousal abuse against Silva's wife if she fucked up his steak, and he talked about burning Silva's gym to the ground. His shit talking became more theatrical and rehearsed as he got closer to the number one contender spot. He even wrote some battle raps about Anderson Silva. You can find massive compilations of his quotes on youtube and there's a Chael Sonnen quote generator. Let's look at some of his best.
Does Chael understand how epilepsy works or does he think it's a condition that can be triggered by shiny doorknobs? Or is the point of this joke that epileptics should always wear keys on their belts so their cats will know when their last meal has landed? Is he just confusing seizures with Parkinson's? Thanks for telling a joke that leaves me to build my own punchline, jerk.
If we started counting wins after his loss to Silva, this statement would be true, but it doesn't account for the 10 non-Silva losses on his record. That may seem like bad math to you, but Sonnen's logic dictates that fighters who go to a fight to knock other guys out aren't really fighters and that BJJ is kind of faggy. Wrestling is the only Olympic endorsed sport and as of the writing of this, not a single person in the UFC has beaten him at the Olympics.
I think you're confusing public office with bus station bathrooms again.
I...wow. This is surprisingly coherent. You win this one, Sonnen.
Oh thank goodness Brock Lesnar never got a tramp stamp.
Here's something very important about Anderson Silva; he has never been known for talking a lot of trash in interviews. He usually plays it very cool until he is positive that he has an opponent completely outclassed, and then he acts like a dick. His antics had never gone beyond mere mockery, but Silva indicated in one of his last interviews before going into the fight that he never wanted to murder anyone so hard in his entire life.
When the two met again, Silva was taken down quickly in the first. The first round looked almost like Sonnen vs. Silva I, but this time there was something different. Chael was withering by the end of the first round, and Silva was defending himself very well on the ground. Silva came out in round 2 and started beating Sonnen like he stole something. Sonnen backed away and threw a spinning elbow that ended the entire feud.
By the time Sonnen began to whirl his punch drunk body around at cyclone velocity, Silva had already mostly sidestepped it leaving Sonnen's body to hilariously careen towards empty space and then the ground as he tripped over his own feet and awesomeness. Silva jammed a knee into Sonnen's heart because fuck him and mercifully finished him with a flurry of the most hateful punches ever thrown. Silva invited Sonnen to a barbeque after the fight. The invitation is still pending.